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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.